My Near-Death Experience

As I mentioned, Mary Ann, my wife of 44 years, died just before last Christmas. She died within an hour of leaving our house bound for Hospice via ambulance. I was her sole caregiver for her final years of her battle with COPD. (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) I was not present at Mary Ann's death-I like to think of this as another of her gifts to me-but this is about what happened to me once I learned of her death.

To my amazement, I loved her 10 times more the moment I found out she died. That's right. I felt it all the way through me. How can that be?? I looked at her body laying there and loved her more than when she was alive. It didn't (and still doesn't) feel right. How can that be??

I ask myself, is it because she can no longer disagree with me/argue/chew me out. Is it because she knew all my shortcomings/bad habits and all these secrets died with her (she can't "tell" on me)? Is it because I'm relieved: I no longer have to take care of her? Is it because I'm grateful to her for dying and now I no longer have to watch her suffer? Is it because she's freed me for other women? Is it because she can no longer hurt me by dying? By leaving me?

Am I as shallow as some of these questions suggest?

Some of our last words to each other were "I love you". But mine to her were half-hearted: I was busy with the Hospice nurse, in denial of her impending death, and not even sure her words were meant for me. Even so, I hold that memory close now.

If I could have her back for just five minutes, I would hold her hands in mine, look her in the eyes, and tell her, "I love you, I truly, truly do."

I did not have the courage to do this when she lived. I am ashamed to tell you this, but I tell it to you so maybe you can find that love in your heart and make sure the one you love knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the depth of your feeling.

Do not hesitate.

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